Ukraine War Day #236: Prince Vladimir Joins The EU

Dear Readers:

Please forgive the lengthy citation, I need it to set up the punchline for the joke. This from the Russian Medieval Chronicles (translated from Old Russian into English by a scholar from the University of Oregon). I elided some bits here and there to make it shorter. Even so, it’s quite long; but read it anyway, you might learn something about Russian history!

Kievan Grand Prince Vladimir declared Christianity official

Vladimir summoned together his vassals and the city elders, and said to them: “Behold, the Volga Bolgars came before me urging me to accept their religion. Then came the Germans and praised their own Catholic faith; and after them came the Jews. Finally the Greeks appeared, criticizing all other faiths but commending their own, and they spoke at length, telling the history of the whole world from its beginning. [,,,]

The vassals and the elders replied: “You know, O Prince, that no man condemns his own possessions, but praises them instead. If you desire to make certain, you have servants at your disposal. Send them to inquire about the ritual of each and how he worships God.” Their counsel pleased the prince and all the people, so that they chose good and wise men to the number of ten, and directed them to go first among the Bolgars and inspect their faith. The emissaries went their way, and when they arrived at their destination they beheld the disgraceful actions of the Bolgars and their worship in the mosque; then they returned to their own country. Vladimir then instructed them to go likewise among the Germans, and examine their faith, and finally to visit the Greeks. […]

Prince Vladimir: “Last one in the pool is a rotten egg!”

On the morrow, the Byzantine emperor sent a message to the patriarch to inform him that a Russian delegation had arrived to examine the Greek faith, and directed him to prepare the church Hagia Sophia and the clergy, and to array himself in his sacerdotal robes, so that the Russians might behold the glory of the God of the Greeks. When the patriarch received these commands, he bade the clergy assemble, and they performed the customary rites. They burned incense, and the choirs sang hymns. The emperor accompanied the Russians to the church, and placed them in a wide space, calling their attention to the beauty of the edifice, the chanting, and the offices of the archpriest and the ministry of the deacons, while he explained to them the worship of his God. The Russians were astonished, and in their wonder praised the Greek ceremonial. Then the Emperors Basil and Constantine invited the envoys to their presence, and said, “Go hence to your native country,” and thus dismissed them with valuable presents and great honor.

Thus they returned to their own country, and the prince called together his vassals and the elders. Vladimir then announced the return of the envoys who had been sent out, and suggested that their report be heard. He thus commanded them to speak out before his vassals. The envoys reported: “When we journeyed among the Bulgars, we beheld how they worship in their temple, called a mosque, while they stand ungirt. The Bulgarian bows, sits down, looks hither and thither like one possessed, and there is no happiness among them, but instead only sorrow and a dreadful stench. Their religion is not good. Then we went among the Germans, and saw them performing many ceremonies in their temples; but we beheld no glory there. Then we went on to Greece, and the Greeks led us to the edifices where they worship their God, and we knew not whether we were in heaven or on earth. For on earth there is no such splendor or such beauty, and we are at a loss how to describe it. We know only that God dwells there among men, and their service is fairer than the ceremonies of other nations. For we cannot forget that beauty. Every man, after tasting something sweet, is afterward unwilling to accept that which is bitter, and therefore we cannot dwell longer here.” Then the vassals spoke and said, “If the Greek faith were evil, it would not have been adopted by your grandmother Olga, who was wiser than all other men.” Vladimir then inquired where they should all accept baptism, and they replied that the decision rested with him.

Vladimir Besieges Kherson

After a year had passed, in 988 Vladimir marched with an armed force against Kherson, a Greek city, and the people of Kherson barricaded themselves therein. Vladimir halted at the farther side of the city beside the bay, a bowshot from the town, and the inhabitants resisted energetically while Vladimir besieged the town. Eventually, however, they became exhausted, and Vladimir warned them that if they did not surrender, he would remain on the spot for three years. When they failed to heed this threat, Vladimir marshaled his troops and ordered the construction of an earthwork in the direction of the city. While this work was under construction, the inhabitants dug a tunnel under the city wall, stole the heaped-up earth, and carried it into the city, where they piled it up in the center of the town. But the soldiers kept on building, and Vladimir persisted. Then a man of Kherson, Anastasius by name, shot into the Russian camp an arrow on which he had written: “There are springs behind you to the east, from which water flows in pipes. Dig down and cut them off.” When Vladimir received this information, he raised his eyes to heaven and vowed that if this hope was realized, he would be baptized. He gave orders straightway to dig down above the pipes, and the water supply was thus cut off. The inhabitants were accordingly overcome by thirst, and surrendered.

Vladimir and his retinue entered the city [Kherson], and he sent messages to the Emperors Basil and Constantine, saying: “Behold, I have captured your glorious city. I have also heard that you have an unwed sister. Unless you give her to me to wife, I shall deal with your own city as I have with Kherson.”

Kremlin monument to Prince Vladimir

When the emperors heard this message, they were troubled, and replied: “It is not meet for Christians to give in marriage to pagans. If you are baptized, you shall have her to wife, inherit the kingdom of God, and be our companion in the faith. Unless you do so, however, we cannot give you our sister in marriage.” When Vladimir learned their response, he directed the envoys of the emperors to report to the latter that he was willing to accept baptism, having already given some study to their religion, and that the Greek faith and ritual, as described by the emissaries sent to examine it, had pleased him well. When the emperors heard this report, they rejoiced, and persuaded their sister Anna to consent to the match. They then requested Vladimir to submit to baptism before they should send their sister to him, but Vladimir desired that the princess should herself bring priests to baptize him. The emperors complied with his request, and sent forth their sister, accompanied by some dignitaries and priests. Anna, however, departed with reluctance. “It is as if I were setting out into captivity,” she lamented; “better were it for me to die here.” But her brothers protested: “Through your agency God turns the Russian land to repentance, and you will relieve Greece from the danger of grievous war. Do you not see how much evil the Russians have already brought upon the Greeks? If you do not set out, they may bring on us the same misfortunes.” It was thus that they overcame her hesitation only with great difficulty. The princess embarked upon a ship, and after tearfully embracing her kinfolk, she set forth across the sea and arrived at Kherson. The natives came forth to greet her, and conducted her into the city, where they settled her in the palace.

[…]

The Real Story

That is Russian history according to the medieval chronicler, Nestor. We see that Vladimir rejected the Muslim religion of the Vulgar Bulgars, due to the fact that they didn’t know how to take a shower, and reeked to high heaven. (Plus, they didn’t allow alcohol.) Similarly, he rejected the Catholic religion of the Germans (not quite up to snuff) and the Jewish religion of the Khazars; but was bowled over by the exotic beauty and ceremony of Byzantine Christianity. We also see how he repaid Greek hospitality by besieging their city, Kherson, and threatening it with starvation and thirst. (So maybe Prince Vladimir was a proto-Ukrainian after all!) After which strong-arm Mafia tactics (“You got a nice city there, would be a shame if somethin’ was to happen to it…”), marrying into the Byzantine royal family.

The Real, Real Story

And now for the Ukrainian version of the story. I saw this piece by reporter Olga Ivanova (namesake of Vlad’s grandma!). It’s a short piece, here is a full translation of this chronicle into English:

“My application to join the EU. Along with my receipts. This is gonna cost you a lot of money…”

The Ukrainian Ministry of Foreign Affairs declared on Twitter that Prince Vladimir, back in the 10th century, decided that Kiev should join the European Union.

The Ministry tweeted, that Ukraine and Europe have always been friends. Back in the year 988 Prince Vladimir converted Kievan Rus to Christianity and decided that Kiev needed to join the EU.

Back then, just as now, the Ministry stressed, Ukraine lives with this idea and defends Europe from Russia.

yalensis: So that is Russian/Ukrainian history according to ignorami in the Ukrainian government. Oh wait, I almost forgot that final paragraph from that segment of Nestor’s chronicle, this follows the story of Princess Anna being forced to move to Russia and settle into her new home with her new wonderful husband:

Nestor: Vladimir was baptized in the Church of St. Basil, which stands at Kherson upon a square in the center of the city, where the Khersonians trade. The palace of Vladimir stands beside this church to this day, and the palace of the princess is behind the altar. After his baptism, Vladimir took the princess in marriage. Those who do not know the truth say he was baptized in Kiev!