Breaking News! Poroshenko Cleans Out Computer Room

Dear Readers:

I saw this story in Russian VESTI, the headline reads:

In Kiev the Servers Have Gone Missing From the President’s Situation Room

When President Vladimir Zelensky, Servant of the People and beloved by 73% of Ukrainians, entered the Situation Room of the Presidential Palace, flush from his landslide victory in the election, imagine his surprise when he encountered a completely empty room.  No computers, no servers, no monitors.  The room had been completely cleaned out.  Nothing was left, not even a mouse.  This, according to Alexander Daniliuk, Zelensky’s newly appointed Secretary of the National Security Council.

“I can’t wait to see the top secret computers… Oh wait!”

The Situation Room was especially wired with encrypted channels, to protect the sources of all the secret information that flowed into the Presidential computers.  Important and top-secret decisions were made here:  Which taxes to raise.  Which services to cut.  Which cauldron to send the army into.  Daniliuk:  “Everything was cleared out during the change of power.  This is how we in the Ukraine conduct a civilized transition of government!”

Daniliuk should not be overly self-critical.  One recalls that such vandalism occurs even in the “civilized” West.  Whatabout how the Clinton team left the White House in shambles instead of hiring Merry Maids to spruce up the place for the incoming Bush team.  And, come to think of it, the Clintons also showed a tendency to vandalize computers: “The GAO [Government Accounting Office] says the damage included 62 missing computer keyboards, 26 cell phones, two cameras, ten antique doorknobs and several presidential medallions and office signs. The damage estimate was about $20,000.”

The analogy with the Clintons goes further:  Whatabout how, as Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton simply used government computers as her own personal property.  L’état c’est moi. But those are the Clintons after all.  You know the old American proverb:  You can take the trash out of the trailer, but you can never take the trailer out of the trash.

What is Poroshenko’s excuse?  This man was always a wealthy tycoon, not trailer trash.  And yet the ex-President seems to have regarded the Situation Room and all its contents, including top-secret government info, as his own private property – gasp!

“At least they left me this great karaoke mic: MY HEART WILL GO ON…”

But VESTI is bound by the rules of “Fair and Balanced” to tell the other side of the story.  See, the Poroshenko team vigorously denies the accusation that they stole government computers.  Svyatoslav Tsegolko, former Poroshenko Press Secretary:  There was no secret information stored on these computers.  All of this equipment had been rented on the personal money of the Millionaire President Petr Poroshenko.  He had every right to take his personal property back with him, when vacating his quarters.  I can relate to that.  I once owned a portable paper-towel holder, which I brought from home and took into work with me, for use in the small kitchen down the hall.  Eventually a proper paper towel dispenser was installed by Facilities, so I thought to take my “gift” back home with me.  At which point I garnered a lot of suspicious stares, and I am not even sure people believed me when I asserted that this device rightfully belonged to me!  At what point does personal property become communal property?

Anyhow, according to Tsegolko, Daniliuk is also lying about the “top secret” data flowing into the Presidential Situation Room.  Nah, he says, that was just regular online stuff.  Just the regular internet, like cat videos and stuff.  The good stuff remains where it always has been:  In the offices of the SBU, [successor agency to the Soviet KGB], the Border Security, and the Tax Offices.

Tsegolko also dished to the press, that Zelensky/Daniliuk have their own top-secret server room, a different one, over on Bolbochan Street.  Where their computers are humming along even as we speak, guarded by a phalanx of security.

The question remains unanswered, however:  Where did Poroshenko’s team take all those machines that used to be in the Presidential Situation room?  And what about the missing passwords?  See, even if that equipment were to be recovered for the state, Zelensky’s team can’t hack into Poroshenko’s porn sites diplomatic correspondence, because the ex-President’s team destroyed all the passwords!  Which probably consist of a combination of upper and lower case, at least one numeral, and at least one special character.

This entry was posted in Breaking News, Celebrity Gossip, True Crime and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Breaking News! Poroshenko Cleans Out Computer Room

  1. Mark Chapman says:

    I would feel pretty confident suggesting Poroshenko did not want any of the drives examined – in which passwords would only be a minor irritant to professional cracking programs – which might reveal the extent of his collusion with the United States and the extent to which he was owned by Washington.


  2. Laninya says:

    Wherever these servers have gone to, even if they are never returned to where millionaire Poroshenko with-his-own-money rented them from, I think it’s a sure bet no one will be fishing them out of the lake at the Presidential palace. I wonder if anyone will think to check Hunter Biden’s diplomatic cargo…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. nicolaavery says:

    Apparently the same thing happened when Jeremy Corbyn became labour leader after Miliband


  4. Jen says:

    Zelensky’s team could have a chance of hacking into Porky Pig’s past diplomatic correspondence if they try using the Ukrainian word for “Password”. If that fails, they could try Porky’s own name, his wife’s name or his paternal grandfather’s surname.

    Mind, Porky Pig’s diplomatic correspondence might be quite boring to read. Most of it would be short emails begging the IMF, the World Bank, Brussels or Washington for more money, more fighters or more weapons. The really interesting letters would be about where all those fighters, weapons and ammunition come from.

    Liked by 1 person

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