Ukrainian Metropolitan Epiphany Punked – Part IV

Dear Readers:

Continuing my transcription of this prank call between prankers Lexus-Vovan impersonating German EU Parliamentarian David McAllister; and, on the other side of the telephone wire, Metropolitan Epiphany of the new Ukrainian Orthodox Church.  Where we left off, Epiphany and faux-“McAllister” were in agreement that Poroshenko must be re-elected to President, despite McAllister’s concerns about the martial law.  [Which, by the way, has been lifted, yesterday or the day before, if I am not mistaken.]  Epiphany had expressed his concern that the election of a “pro-Russian” politician would be a disaster for the Ukraine.

Pranker:  I know that you got a phone call from [American Secretary of State] Secretary Pompeo.  He supported you as me?

Epi [eagerly]:  Yes, yes, very much.  America’s support in this matter is sizable.  We had a conversation, and I think that in the future we will have further communications with them, and secure their support for the Ukrainian church.

[yalensis:  Next the prankers embark on their favorite theme, gays and LGBT, this is how they usually conclude these prank calls, and this is when the mark usually starts to smell a rat.]

Pranker:  Unfortunately, not all Ukrainians share Western tolerance.  But without this[tolerance] you cannot be part of the European family.  And the Church usually has a conservative position, you know.  But you have the opportunity to lead this movement, making Ukraine as a part of Europe.  So, this is not a question of today, but it should not be (put off much longer).

Epi:  Yes, of course I am all for implementing reforms in the church, so that we can recede from the Russian tradition.  The church should become more open.  The church should be the spiritual shepherd for the Ukrainian people.  Because we are moving in the direction of Europe.  And therefore we need to distance ourselves from the Russian conservative tradition.  The church should be more open.  Because the more conservative is Orthodoxy, the more distant from the people.  My position is that we need to be with the people.  We need to understand their problems.

Pranker  [in his excitement to deliver the punchline to the joke, his English becomes ever more gibberishy]:  I know church has conservative tradition.  But new church must make softer its position regarding LGBT community.  I mean, gays of Ukraine, and were to take liberal values, so it will be great stimulus.  We spoke with Secretary Pompeo and he agrees with us, that you should increase your (support for) LGBT and gay values in the future.

Epi [finally smelling the rat]: Well, this is a complicated issue.  This is a long road, and we are still at the beginning of it.  Because Ukrainian society, well, you know (what happens) when you raise this question.  Which is why for now we just need to work on this.  So that Ukrainian society understands that this is a long road.

Pranker:  But…

Epi [hurriedly ending the conversation]:  Of course we will be in communications and always seek advice for complex issues.

[Slams down the phone]


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2 Responses to Ukrainian Metropolitan Epiphany Punked – Part IV

  1. Pavlo Svolochenko says:

    It’s not that he realised he was being punked, the subject of buggery simply reminded him that he had an appointment to keep.


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