Ukrainian Metropolitan Epiphany Punked – Part III

Dear Readers:

Continuing my translation/transcription of this prank call between, on the one side, Lexus-Vovan the pranksters impersonating a German EU Parliamentarian; and, on the other side, Metropolitan Epiphany of the new Ukrainian Orthodox Church.  Where we left off, the good Metropolitan had an “epiphany” (get it?) about the dual nature of his opponent, the sinister Metropolitan Onufriy.  And now we continue…

Pranker:  So, the new church should become a unifying spiritual force and should lead people when politicians cannot do it.  Especially because of military situation in your country.  One day you will bless the army to free the Crimea and Donbass from occupation, and fight the Separatists.  So I hope that this will happen soon.  So, we will provide you all support, you should know.

Epi:  I hope that we will be able to return Donbass and Crimea; the war in the Ukraine must end, because God is on our side.

Pranker:   So, you would like to bless the army?

Epi:  We do bless them.  Currently in the army we have approximately 300 chaplains who work among the soldiers and help them with their spiritual needs.  I even plan to go to the Donbass, in the near future, to bless the soldiers and support the troops.

Pranker:   But how you can get back Crimea to Ukraine?

Epi:  If Ukraine is able to become a strong state, and if we will be able to unite all the Orthodox into one church, then I believe that the people who live there will want, of their own accord, especially when they see what is happening in Russia, to return to the Ukraine.

Pranker:  And I want to be frank with you.  In some respects we are concerned about present actions of President Poroshenko.  I mean, the martial law in the country.  Elections should be held in your country. But we see non-democratic influences, and we are worried about that.  And we think that Church may be used in the political fight for power.

Epi:  We stand on the position that the Church should be separate from the state, that there should not be a state church, and that our church should not be used in political ends.

Pranker:  I agree, but you know that first steps were created by Poroshenko’s administration.  And you know that we thought about it, and you know how my colleagues from the U.S. helped you to recognize your church as a independent church.

Epi:  The government did what it needed to do, and without that assistance we would not have been able to come together.  But at the same time, the Church must remain independent (from the government).

Pranker:  I know that President Poroshenko took part in your Synod, and he was a member of that Synod, and he played a big role of unification.  So I hope you will support the President on next elections.

Epi:  We will do what we have to do, as a church.  It goes without saying that we only see Poroshenko in this future post, and he must continue that process which is now taking place in the country; because if a pro-Russian politician should be elected, then that would be a problem for the future of the Ukraine.

[to be continued]

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2 Responses to Ukrainian Metropolitan Epiphany Punked – Part III

  1. Mark Chapman says:

    Oh, now, NOW the Ukrainian Orthodox Church must be independent from the state! After starting as a wholly political creation born by presidential decree, followed by a purely political order that the former Ukrainian patriarchate call itself the “Russian Orthodox Church in Ukraine” in a blatant bid to increase the flock of the new church out of fear of being labeled a separatist, now the church must be independent of the state.

    Too late. After making wrong decision after wrong decision in his parade of incompetence, it is apparent Poroshenko’s desire to annoy Russia informs most of his decision-making – well, that and his eagerness to be rewarded by Washington for being a prick. And that is not going to be cost-free in the long run. Ukraine is currently doing next to nothing to support itself, but is relying on emergency money from the IMF, and for how long that set of circumstances prevails depends directly upon how long Ukraine can sell itself as an emergency. That’s a big reason for Poroshenko’s constant stream of provocations and hysterical alarms about invasion, the constant discussion of ‘Russian aggression’.

    But that can only go on for so long. Eventually the west will grow tired of shelling out money for nothing, and abandon its dubious investment. And where will Ukraine be then? Even now it endeavors to keep Russia as a trading partner and source of income – totally on its own terms, of course – while it seeks (without any discernible success so far) to establish markets in the EU which will compensate for the loss of its major trading partner. Where it is going to be at some future point is without its EU and Washington fair-weather friends, with a hostile country right next door and no trading partners.

    But it’ll still have its very own church. No doubt that will be a great consolation.

    Like

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