Ukrainian Metropolitan Epiphany Punked – Part II

Dear Readers:

Continuing my translation/transcription of this prank call between, on the one side, Lexus-Vovan the pranksters impersonating a German EU Parliamentarian; and, on the other side, Metropolitan Epiphany of the new Ukrainian Orthodox Church founded, last week, by Ukrainian President Poroshenko.

Pranker:  You should know that the European Union and the European Parliament welcome the foundation of a single Ukrainian church.  And we are ready to work with you and support you in all matters.  At the end of January of next year the head of the European Council Donald Tusk will be flying to Kiev, and we should organize a meeting with you.  This will be a public signal of our support for the independent Ukrainian Church.

“For I am the Light that shineth among you!” [accidentally back-handing Jesus]

Epi:  Yes, I would like to thank the European structures for supporting our good intentions, and I am ready to meet [with Tusk], if the President [Poroshenko] will be in Kiev and will be laying out our plans for the future, for the future of our church, and building plans for the future.  But so long as there will be, in the Ukraine, the presence of the Russian Orthodox Church, they will most likely never recognize us as brothers.  (Therefore) I would like to request your help, your support, and that of the Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew, to ensure that this comes about.  Moscow is currently putting pressure on him [Bart].  I think that after the granting of the Tomos, which will take place on January 6, I shall ask him what kind of support he needs (from us), and then I will give you an answer.

Pranker:   And I would also like to know, how many people joined the new church?  And how goes the transition to your jurisdiction… are you able to convince people to join you?

Epi:  Approximately 50% of the population of the Ukraine supports the new church, and this is only the first step along this path.  Currently in the Ukraine we have 7,000 parishes, and we see the tendency of the Ukrainian population to receive this signal in a very positive way.  We are assuming that we will get even more parishes after the granting of the Tomos, and our recognition by other Orthodox churches.  Some people are just waiting for us to (officially) receive Tomos.

Pranker:   We could also provide you with grants (based on) European support for religious freedom for Ukraine.  So, it’s not a problem.

Epi:   Thanks.  I think that when Mr. President [Poroshenko] will be in Kiev, we will discuss all the possible variants for the future, and how we can work together so that Ukraine will be spiritually strong and whole.

Pranker:   Will you conduct a dialogue with Moscow and with the Russian Church in Kiev?

Epi:  Well, from their side, from Metropolitan Onufriy, we have not heard any bad words, but one must understand that Metropolitan Onufriy is not an independent player, he is completely dependent on Moscow, and he does whatever Moscow tells him to do.

Pranker:  So, you want so say that he is an agent of Putin?

Epi:  Well, for example, people say that is constantly driving to Moscow.  And his “Ukrainian Orthodox Church of the Moscow Patriarchate”, as it calls itself, is completely dependent on Moscow.  And people say that he has the body of a Ukrainian but the soul of a Russian.”


That’s all I have time for today, this wonderful beautiful Boxing Day!  (This is the day when people re-gift their scraps to the poor while praying to Vitaly Klichko, the patron saint of Boxing!)

Don’t worry, will continue with the translation/transcription tomorrow, Dear Readers!  Not to mention that I am already late for work, but ’tis a good place to pause, on the above revelation, that this Ukrainian Tomos business is not about geo-politics at all, let alone sticking it to the Russians!  Rather, it concerns matters of deep and irretractable doctrinal differences just as serious as whether to cross oneself with 2 or 3 fingers!  This doctrinal dispute concerns the Mystery of the Duality.  Namely, that age-old paradox, how a man of flesh and blood can have a Ukrainian corpus (body), but an evil Russian soul!  Ponder on that, O ye tiny minds of the Microcephaly!

[to be continued]

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