What do you call a Schism within a Schism — a Fractal Religion?

Dear Readers:

I know, I know, I promised — No more religion!  But this story is simply too juicy to pass up.  The reporter, once again, is Alina Nazarova, who seems to have her finger on the pulse.  Her headline reads:

Fight broke out between the two Ukrainian Schismatics over Ecumenical Gathering

First, a quickie review of the stupendous events of the past week, and just who are these two bearded old men?  They are precisely the two men who had their anathemas removed last week by Constantinople’s Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew.  Namely, Filaret and Macarius (the aliases which these two gangsters go by).  After they had those pesky anathemas removed, one would think they would be feeling so much better… but no… The real battle has just begun.

Filaret is the one who used to be a real Orthodox priest, back in the day, then broke with the Moscow Patriarchate (in 1992) to build his own Schismatic Patriarchate in Kiev, founded on the principles of Stepan Bandera and Ukrainian nationalism.  He’s the guy who called for the people of Donbass to be killed en masse as punishment for their sins.  Their main sin being that they voted in a Referendum for more regional autonomy.

Simon Petliura meditates on God and Higher Things…

Macarius is the founder of a rival sect called the Autocephaly, which dates itself back to 1922 and the Ukrainian nationalist government of Petliura.

When Bartholomew removed the anathemas of these two guys, he called upon them to unite under his own (=Bart’s) flock.  Bart is now the Spiritual Leader of the Ukraine.  (In his own mind.)  He ordered Filaret and Macarius to have a play-date and jointly set up his new feeding ground.  These two guys are supposed to form the rock (two rocks) of the new tomos.  Then Bart would decide who got what title and who went where.  Next step for them was to organize a “Ecumenical Gathering”.  Like, just organize a meeting, is that so hard?

Bust of Macarius Maletich

It was a cunning plan and it almost worked … what Bart didn’t take into account was the pesky egos of these two characters.

Here is the gist of the “He said – He said”, all of this is hearsay, by the way, coming from the mouth of Macarius, we didn’t yet get Filaret’s side of the story:

  • Macarius:  “Filaret didn’t even give me a chance to participate in the selection of the Founding Document, the status, and the name of our future Church.  He said, he already picked a name, and it was just my job to join with it.”
  • Filaret:  “I never agreed to merge his church into mine.”
  • Macarius:  “So I tell him:  We don’t have a founding document yet…  And he retorts that he has a founding document.  Well, I got one too, but out of the two documents, we are supposed to form a single document.”
  • Filaret:  “Nope, it’s just gonna be my founding document.”
  • Macarius:  “So then I ask him, well, are we gonna be a Metropolitan?”
  • Filaret (with a flash of real anger):  “Are you effing kidding me?  I’m gonna be a Patriarch!”

Readers Comments

Russian commenters to the piece had a field day with this story.  Here are the best ones, so far:

Nekto Nikto:  Filaret is only just now starting to realize… He’s got Petliura under his tail…

V Ko:  I have a big bucket of popcorn, three beers, put these two into one cage and air it live on TV.

Palin of Siberia:  Who is going to be the head of the Kiev Patriarchate?  Surely not proto-Evrei Valtsman?  [yalensis:  need to explain the joke.  proto-Evrei (proto-Jew) is a play on proto-Ierei (Archbishop), and Valtsman is the real name of President Poroshenko, who is rumored to be Jewish]

Alex Second:  No, Putin (will be head).

Alex Enfros:  These two gypsy Atamans are never going to share the spoils.

Alex Second:  It’s just what we expected.  [Like the old joke says], put two Ukrainians together, and you have a partisan brigade with an embedded traitor.

Konstantin Karlik:  I just thought up a name for them:  The Equal-Apostolic Church named after Apostle Valtsman!

This entry was posted in Cat Fighting, Religion, The Great Game and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to What do you call a Schism within a Schism — a Fractal Religion?

  1. nicolaavery says:

    Hello, I heard but don’t have exact details that the Turkish higher being that approved all this now owns one of the most famous church properties in Kiev so Ukraine church have lost it. Don’t have any more details.


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