Ukrainian Soldier Complains Of Army Life – On Facebook

From the transcripts of the Caine Mutiny Court Martial by  Herman Wouk [sort of]:

Lieutenant Barney Greenwald: So, from what I understand, gentlemen, in the middle of a typhoon, u were tweeting on your Facebooks about Captain Queeg’s humorous antics running the ship aground?

Willie Keith:  OMG, we got a thousand “likes” in the first few seconds.  From all the guys who ever had to serve with that joker. If we’d had more bandwidth, we would’ve posted the video on youtube.  But we managed to Instagram a photo of those little metal balls he plays with.    You don’t have to be Sigmund Freud to figure out that… LOL, the things that Tom told me about that clown, you had to be there to get the jokes…  See, Steve was keeping a log of all the stupid things that Queeg did, and what a coward he was, running from one deck to the other every time the Japs fired off a shot..

Sure, but that’s not the point…

Lieutenant Barney Greenwald:  Who’s the clown here, ass-wipe?  When good men like Queeg were sailing around fighting the Japanese, you spoiled brats were just sitting there with your iPhones and tablets, trolling them.  If you’d spent less time texting your bullshit, and more time streaming the Amazon hit The Man In the High Castle, then you might have a clue what life would be like if the Nazis actually won.  Like, my family and I would be in an incinerator by now…

Thomas Keefer:  Boo hoo!  [sad face]

Lieutenant Barney Greenwald:   And you, young man [turning on Tom viciously] would find yourself being smacked in the face by a Jap and forced to the end of the taxi line.  All because you degenerates never learned the meaning the word MILITARY DISCIPLINE.

Thomas Keefer:  That’s two words, dude… [smiley face].  Like I was saying before we were so rudely interrupted by this brown-noser, “The Navy is a master plan designed by geniuses for execution by idiots.”

Willie:  Good one, Tom!  [Clicks on the “Like” button.]

Dear Readers:

This important lesson in American literature by way of introduction to this story, which is about a very different military organization.  Namely, the Ukrainian army.

The hero of our story is a man named Yury Misyagin.  His Facebook shows him to be an ugly brute with a big nose.  Yury serves on the front line of the Donbass front, in the 72nd Mechanized Brigade of the Ukrainian Armed Forces.

Misyagin has been dutifully reporting to his followers, about the serious situation of the Brigade, the losses they have suffered, and the antics of his commanding officer, a man named Ruslan Tatus.

According to Misyagin, Tatus is a master of military deception and “pokazukha“, knows all the old “sovok” ways, is adept at pulling the wool over the eyes of  the senior officers and showing them only what they want to see.

Misyagin complains that the brave men on the front lines are not allowed to return fire at the Seps — if they do, then Tatus threatens them with a court martial.  In digust, many good men have quit the brigade, especially those who have been trained by the “Western partners”.  Even some top officers have quit, like four just in the past week.

[Lieutenant Greenwald interrupts:  “You’re telling me that men can just come and go as they please, like this was a job on the construction site, and they can just quit if they don’t like the pay and conditions??]

Life on the Svetlodar Arc

Misyagin goes on to kvetch about the “catastrophic” losses suffered by the Brigade.  Positioned as they are on the Svetlodar Arc, in the past 40 days they have already lost 2 men (dead) and 23 wounded.

Misyagin accuses Commander Tatus of lying about the amount of supplies and equipment they have.  Tatus over-estimates by at least 65%.  In reality, the Brigade is very poorly equipped.

On his Facebook Misyagin accuses Tatus of cowardice, and here is the proof:  When a Deputy of the Supreme Rada arrived at the front to inspect the brigade, Tatus flew into a panic, starting bawling, with snot running out of his nose, and then ran away.


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2 Responses to Ukrainian Soldier Complains Of Army Life – On Facebook

  1. Mark Chapman says:

    This was really a very funny piece, Yalensis – you have a real talent for oddball humor which is at the same time broadly appealing to a wide audience, not to mention making it serve you to highlight a point which may or may not be funny; you’re a very good writer. And I was absolutely pea-green with envy to see from your comments section that you have attracted the attention of the famous “Tex” Bentley, not to mention the lovely Tracy Bandera; you are really getting an expanded readership, and well-deserved. Great job.


    • yalensis says:

      Thanks, Mark, I am glad you liked this piece!

      And, yes, I felt quite honored to get a comment from Russell Bentley, he is a genuine hero to many people out there. Not to mention a true-blooded Texan!


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