Today is Bible-Study Day at the AwfulAvalanche. I realize it’s not Sunday yet. But in such a sinful world, it pays to study the Bible almost every day. Especially the Old Testamant, which is simply brim-full of lessons in morals and ethics. But don’t worry, we’ll cover both Old and New Testaments today.
For starters: When scanning the Russian online news this morning, my eye was caught by this catchy headline: “THE SECOND COMING OF CHRIST WILL HAPPEN WHEN RUSSIA ATTACKS UKRAINE” – says Yushchenko
This is a lovely example of a misleading headline, since the guy who said this wasn’t actually VIKTOR Yushchenko, ex-Prez of Ukraine; but rather his brother PETR Yushchenko. But that’s okay. I LIKE misleading headlines, I think they’re cool. Plus, Petr Yushchenko himself wasn’t just some beer-swilling brother-of-the-president. He was a politician in his own right, and even a deputy of the Rada for 5 years, although not currently. I can’t find a photo of him online, but I assume he looks much like his more famous brother, only without the pock-ravaged face.
The Sons of Gomer are the Proto-Ukies
But let’s start with the Old Testament first. Petr Yushchenko has laid out Ukrainian theological lore, based on verses from Genesis and the Chronicles. Going back to Noah: that old ark-builder was allegedly 500 years old when he begat three sons named Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
According to the Bible, Japheth begat seven sons – had he begatten one more son, he could have had his own reality show called “Eight Sons Is MORE THAN Enough!”. Japheth’s sons were named: Gomer, Magog, Madai, Javan, Tubal, Meshech, and Tiras.
That Tiras, the youngest one, was a cute little freckle-faced rascal. In the family band, he played the drums.
Moving along: Japheth’s eldest son, Gomer, in his turn, begat three sons: Ashkenaz, Riphath, and Togarmah.
Please focus on these last three, because according to the Gospel of Petr Yushchenko, these guys are in fact the founders of the Ukrainian race. And they dwelled in the land which is now called The Ukraine:
“Gomer is our proto-proto-proto-Ukrainian. He represents that Indo-Aryan, Indo-European branch, which wends from Scotland and England via Spain.”
And of course, it goes without saying, that Ukrainians are perfect specimens of the Aryan race: blonde hair – check; blue eyes – check; outrageously high IQ’s – er…..
When Will Jesus Return
It is time to move along to the New Testament. Again, according to Petr Yushchenko:
“His disciples ask the Lord: ‘When will all of this come to an end? When will you return for your Second Coming?’ And He replies: ‘When nations rise up against nations, and kingdoms against kingdoms. And there will be earthquakes and wars, and that’s how you will know, that it’s the end.’ Well, nations rise against nations all the time, that’s a given. But according to all these sacred prophecies, at the moment when the Ecumene itself, in other words, Civilization itself, which is blessed, and to which have come the 70 Apostles – when this Ecumene is attacked, not by a member of the Ecumene itself, but by those same Gog and Magog; the Holy Fathers write that Gog and Magog live above the Caspian Sea. This is a very simple interpretation: Who lives above [North of?] the Caspian? The Moskali! And this is what is going on in Donbass. We are talking about a barbarian incursion against civilization, against the Ecumene!”
Well, that be HIS interpretation of the Bible. But, putting aside the contradiction that Gomer and Magog were brothers (see above), so how could Gomer be an Aryan, and Magog a bloody Moskal? (Gog, on the other hand, I am not too sure about that guy…)
But I have another quibble too: Jesus explicity said: “No one knows the day or hour when these things will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the Son himself. Only the Father knows.” (Jesus goes on to give good advice, about keeping watch over your house, if you know that a burglar is about to visit you.)
In which case, how can Petr Yushchenko know that these things are happening right now in the Donbass? Answer: HE DOESN’T KNOW! HE’S JUST MAKING SHIT UP!!!
And that should be the headline, In My Humble Opinion.
From the Sacred to the Secular
I finish now with this piece from VZGLIAD, indicating that at least SOME people in the Ukraine are not blithering and ungrateful idiots.
In February 2014, after the Maidan Revolution which, among things, was a rabidly anti-Communist movement, local officials were ordered to rename all streets which had anything to do with the hated Communists. Hence, the town of Khorol, in the Poltava district renamed “Lenin Street” to “Street of the Heavenly Hundred”.
As I have pointed out before, anybody who has studied even a smidgen of Ukrainian or Russian or Soviet history, is aware that Communist leader V.I. Lenin did more than perhaps any other human being in history to create and endow that national entity known as “The Ukraine”. Lenin supported Ukrainian independence from Russia, helped to found the Ukrainian Soviet Socialist Republic, and helped to endow it with lands and resources necessary for flourishing. Stalin and Khrushchev later continued on this path, blessing the Ukraine with even more lands, factories, and other economic resources. Like the Prodigal Son’s jealous brothers, Russian nationalists curse Lenin and Stalin for favoring the Ukraine, over Russia herself. Needless to say, the Ukraine inherited a wealthy dowry from the Soviet Union and, in the course of the last 25 years, like a typical Prodigal Son, has squandered away everything that it had been given. But Ukrainian nationalists, again with an almost Biblical level of ingratitude, curse Lenin and the Communists who left them with such a rich inheritance. Which, again, they squandered.
But things are starting to change. Last month (23 December), during a wave of local elections which showed Ukrainians’ discontent with the antics of the Maidanites and neo-Nazi Svoboda clowns and the like, the new City Council of Khorol decided unanimously (with only one abstention) to return the name “Lenin” to the street in question.
The local branch of the neo-Nazi Svoboda Party has vowed to “protest” this re-re-naming of the street. Ukrainian nationalists persist in their belief that they are a chosen, superior (=white-skinned Aryan) people, and that the sub-human Moskali and Communists, Jews, and the like, are responsible for all of their woes.
The true Founder of Ukraine was not Noah, or Japheth, or even Gomer, it was V.I. LENIN! But the Ukrainian nationalists will never admit this.
And so, Brothers and Sisters, we will close our sermon today, with this Biblical advice, what to do with a rebellious child who simply won’t listen to reason:
“If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them, then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives, and they shall say to the elders of his city, ‘This our son is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones.”