Ukrainian Bible Study Day: The Sons of Japheth vs. The Sons of Lenin

Dear Readers:

Today is Bible-Study Day at the AwfulAvalanche.  I realize it’s not Sunday yet.  But in such a sinful world, it pays to study the Bible almost every day.  Especially the Old Testamant, which is simply brim-full of lessons in morals and ethics.  But don’t worry, we’ll cover both Old and New Testaments today.

For starters:  When scanning the Russian online news this morning, my eye was caught by this catchy headline: “THE SECOND COMING OF CHRIST WILL HAPPEN WHEN RUSSIA ATTACKS UKRAINE” – says Yushchenko

This is a lovely example of a misleading headline, since the guy who said this wasn’t actually VIKTOR Yushchenko, ex-Prez of Ukraine; but rather his brother PETR Yushchenko.  But that’s okay.  I LIKE misleading headlines, I think they’re cool.  Plus, Petr Yushchenko himself wasn’t just some beer-swilling brother-of-the-president.  He was a politician in his own right, and even a deputy of the Rada for 5 years, although not currently.  I can’t find a photo of him online, but I assume he looks much like his more famous brother, only without the pock-ravaged face.

The Sons of Gomer are the Proto-Ukies

Shem, Ham, and Japheth (approximate visualization)

But let’s start with the Old Testament first.  Petr Yushchenko has laid out Ukrainian theological lore, based on  verses from Genesis and the Chronicles.  Going back to Noah: that old ark-builder was allegedly 500 years old when he begat three sons named Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

Japheth and his family (approximate visualization)

According to the Bible, Japheth begat seven sons – had he begatten one more son, he could have had his own reality show called “Eight Sons Is MORE THAN Enough!”.  Japheth’s sons were named:  Gomer, Magog, Madai, Javan, Tubal, Meshech, and Tiras.

That Tiras, the youngest one, was a cute little freckle-faced rascal.  In the family band, he played the drums.

Moving along:  Japheth’s eldest son, Gomer, in his turn, begat three sons:  Ashkenaz, Riphath, and Togarmah.

Gomer: Founder of the Aryan race

Please focus on these last three, because according to the Gospel of Petr Yushchenko, these guys are in fact the founders of the Ukrainian race.  And they dwelled in the land which is now called The Ukraine:

“Gomer is our proto-proto-proto-Ukrainian.  He represents that Indo-Aryan, Indo-European branch, which wends from Scotland and England via Spain.”

And of course, it goes without saying, that Ukrainians are perfect specimens of the Aryan race:  blonde hair – check; blue eyes – check; outrageously high IQ’s – er…..

When Will  Jesus Return

It is time to move along to the New Testament.  Again, according to Petr Yushchenko:

“His disciples ask the Lord:  ‘When will all of this come to an end?  When will you return for your Second Coming?’  And He replies:  ‘When nations rise up against nations, and kingdoms against kingdoms.  And there will be earthquakes and wars, and that’s how you will know, that it’s the end.’  Well, nations rise against nations all the time, that’s a given.  But according to all these sacred prophecies,  at the moment when the Ecumene itself, in other words, Civilization itself, which is blessed, and to which have come the 70 Apostles – when this Ecumene is attacked, not by a member of the Ecumene itself, but by those same Gog and Magog; the Holy Fathers write that Gog and Magog live above the Caspian Sea.  This is a very simple interpretation:  Who lives above [North of?] the Caspian?  The Moskali!  And this is what is going on in Donbass.  We are talking about a barbarian incursion against civilization, against the Ecumene!”

Gog and Magog. Gog is the one on the left.

Well, that be HIS interpretation of the Bible.  But, putting aside the contradiction that Gomer and Magog were brothers (see above), so how could Gomer be an Aryan, and Magog a bloody Moskal?  (Gog, on the other hand, I am not too sure about that guy…)

But I have another quibble too:  Jesus explicity said:  “No one knows the day or hour when these things will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the Son himself.  Only the Father knows.”  (Jesus goes on to give good advice, about keeping watch over your house, if you know that a burglar is about to visit you.)

In which case, how can Petr Yushchenko know that these things are happening right now in the Donbass?  Answer:  HE DOESN’T KNOW!  HE’S JUST MAKING SHIT UP!!!

And that should be the headline, In My Humble Opinion.

From the Sacred to the Secular

I finish now with this piece from VZGLIAD, indicating that at least SOME people in the Ukraine are not blithering and ungrateful idiots.

In February 2014, after the Maidan Revolution which, among things, was a rabidly anti-Communist movement, local officials were ordered to rename all streets which had anything to do with the hated Communists.  Hence, the town of Khorol, in the Poltava district renamed “Lenin Street” to “Street of the Heavenly Hundred”.

Lenin always supported Ukrainian Independence from Russia.

As I have pointed out before, anybody who has studied even a smidgen of Ukrainian or Russian or Soviet history, is aware that Communist leader V.I. Lenin did more than perhaps any other human being in history to create and endow that national entity known as “The Ukraine”.  Lenin supported Ukrainian independence from Russia, helped to found the Ukrainian Soviet Socialist Republic, and helped to endow it with lands and resources necessary for flourishing.  Stalin and Khrushchev later continued on this path, blessing the Ukraine with even more lands, factories, and other economic resources.  Like the Prodigal Son’s jealous brothers, Russian nationalists curse Lenin and Stalin for favoring the Ukraine, over Russia herself.  Needless to say, the Ukraine inherited a wealthy dowry from the Soviet Union and, in the course of the last 25 years, like a typical Prodigal Son, has squandered away everything that it had been given.  But Ukrainian nationalists, again with an almost Biblical level of ingratitude, curse Lenin and the Communists who left them with such a rich inheritance.  Which, again, they squandered.

The Prodigal Son squandered his inheritance and had to live with swine.

But things are starting to change.  Last month (23 December), during a wave of local elections which showed Ukrainians’ discontent with the antics of the Maidanites and neo-Nazi Svoboda clowns and the like, the new City Council of Khorol decided unanimously (with only one abstention) to return the name “Lenin” to the street in question.

The local branch of the neo-Nazi Svoboda Party has vowed to “protest” this re-re-naming of the street.  Ukrainian nationalists persist in their belief that they are a chosen, superior (=white-skinned Aryan) people, and that the sub-human Moskali and Communists, Jews, and the like, are responsible for all of their woes.

Dudes:

The true Founder of Ukraine was not Noah, or Japheth, or even Gomer, it was V.I. LENIN!  But the Ukrainian nationalists will never admit this.

And so, Brothers and Sisters, we will close our sermon today, with this Biblical advice, what to do with a rebellious child who simply won’t listen to reason:

“If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them, then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives, and they shall say to the elders of his city, ‘This our son is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones.”

(Deuteronomy 21)

AMEN

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13 Responses to Ukrainian Bible Study Day: The Sons of Japheth vs. The Sons of Lenin

  1. Jen says:

    Ayyy-men indeed!

    Like

  2. Lyttenburgh says:

    Totalitarian regimes are suppresing democratic activists. Invisible hand of the Market guides invisibly the market.

    Enemies of all that is Good and Holy have suspended Lev Nathanovitch Sharanskiy’s Twitter account

    #JeSuisSharanskiy
    #SharaskiyLives
    #FreeSharanskiy
    #PrayForSharanskiy

    Max repost and re-twitt

    ТакЪ победимЪ!

    Like

  3. Mao Cheng Ji says:

    Thanks, funny.

    Although I must say, I don’t like reading, even as a joke, that Ukrainians, people living in Ukraine, are somehow more stupid than any other group. I feel that the only hope for fixing this lays in the fact that the Russians typically have no hostility towards Ukrainians, few negative stereotypes. They are considered part of the same people, with some minor regional cultural differences. If this changes for the worse (hell, maybe it already has, I don’t know), then this may easily turn into Serbia v. Croatia-like situation, or India v. Pakistan.

    Like

    • yalensis says:

      Dear Mao: It’s a fair point – just to clarify, I don’t actually personally believe that Ukrainians are stupid. As a people. Or any stupider than other people. Ukies have some awfully stupid people in charge now, obviously, most of whom came to power outside of the regular process.

      Having said that, I hope you can enjoy the humor more, knowing that I am just fooling around and not making any serious claims about intelligence, or IQ, or any of that B.S.

      Like

      • Mao Cheng Ji says:

        I know, I know. Just sayin’

        I noticed that sometimes even very smart people get incredibly silly with their ethnic pride. I remember a Macedonian guy trying to convince me that his Slavic Macedonian language was on the Rosetta Stone…

        Like

        • yalensis says:

          THIS Rosetta Stone?
          According to wiki, the Stone contains 3 scripts:
          (1) Egyptian hieroglyphic script,
          (2) Egyptian “Demotic” not to be confused with “Demonic” script; and
          (3) Ancient Greek, not to be confused with “Ancient Geek”, a script which is all in hexadecimal letters and numbers.

          I bet your Macedonian friend got confused when he saw some GREEK letters that looked very much like Macedonian Cyrillic script! But it ain’t Macedonian, it’s Greek!
          Although… people say that Alexander the Great spoke perfect Greek, and wasn’t he also a Macedonian? Just sayin’

          Like

          • Mao Cheng Ji says:

            Well yes, that’s the point: it’s probably is (or close to) Macedonian of Alexander the Great, who is, of course, their national super-hero and, reputedly, their common ancestor. Like Genghis Khan to the Mongolians. And the fact that the current Slavic Macedonian language has nothing whatsoever to do with it – that little detail is overlooked somehow.

            Liked by 1 person

  4. Pavlo Svolochenko says:

    He also claims that St Andrew spoke Ukrainian.

    Like

  5. Cortes says:

    Here’s that Old Testament law in easily digestible form…

    http://www.thebricktestament.com/the_law/when_to_stone_your_children/dt21_18a.html

    Like

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