Yatsenyuk and His Balls of Steel, or: Way To Bury A Lede

Dear Readers:

Before I get to the meat of my story, I just want to define a term, which I learned from Kremlin Stooge’s  Mark Chapman, who is sort of the King of the Russophile Bloggers. The term is “bury the lede”, which is something a journalist is never supposed to do in a story. Not that I am actually a journalist – I never took a single class in journalism.   But I DID watch a lot of Superman movies, and I know that editor Perry White was always telling Clark Kent: “Don’t bury the lede, son.” Except that I always thought it was spelled “lead”, but Mark corrected me on that too, the correct spelling is “lede”, and Mark is a bit of a stickler about spelling.

Perry White says:

Your “LEDE” is that Yats got a Cosmic-Wedgie in the Rada!







With that bit of business out of the way, we can now proceed with our story:

Jihad Jats

Readers will recall, from back in September, top Russian Investigator/Prosecutor, Alexander Bastrykin, accused Ukrainian Prime Minister Arseny Yatsenyuk  of fighting in Chechnya (against Russia) in the 1990’s.  Furthermore, Bastrykin accused Yatsenuk of committing war crimes and torturing/killing Russian soldiers.  Pro-Russian media and bloggers had a field day photo-shopping jihadi beards onto Yatsenyuk’s face, which in normal times is as smooth as a baby’s patootie.  In Russia, these photoshop joke images are called фото-жабы (“photo-zhaby”).


Typical Yats фотожаба

Please recall that the First Chechen war lasted from 1994-1995.  The war was internationalized and involved foreign fighters (assisting the Chechen side) from Muslim nations, as well as anti-Russian fighters from nations such as Estonia, Gruzia, and Ukraine.  As far as I know, Yatsenyuk has never admitted that he fought against the Russian army in Chechnya.  To admit this, would be to officially make him an international terrorist, in the eyes of Russian law enforcement.

Yats Gets Cosmic-Wedgie In Rada

Then yesterday, Yats was back in the news, bigtime.  This time as the victim of a Rada bully named Oleg Barna, from a rival political party.  Ukrainian politics are too complicated to describe here (that’s a whole ‘nother post).  Suffice it to say, for the purposes of this post (and you’ll get what this post is about if you continue to read to the end, because I am deliberately burying the lede here):

  • Yats is very much hated among the Ukrainian political elite and the people themselves.  As Prime Minister he has pretty much ruined the government that he was entrusted to lead;
  • One of Yatsenyuk’s very few remaining friends (aside from his own family) is this guy, Arsen Avakov, the much-loathed head of Internal Affairs, secret police type guy, master of the dark arts, etc.  Despite his innate viciousness, Avakov has always had a soft spot for Yats, and has always stood up for his pal.  Please keep that fact in mind, as you read through the rest of the story.  (Which is almost over, I promise.)

And just one more thing, before I get to the “lede”, which is this:

Bloggers and internet-freaks, as you can imagine, had a second field day posting the ridiculous images of Yatsenyuk, trying to hold on to Rada lectern, while bully Barna grabs him in half-nelson around the family jewels and attempts to bodily carry him away.  All the while, Yats with a strangely calm look on his face.  Reminding me, somehow, of an unwary virginal animal about to be mounted, and not even sure what this is all about, but somehow resigned to its fate, knowing that this is the law of nature.


Celine Dion: “Our Love Will Go On…..”

The VZGLIAD piece that I linked has a selection of videos:  some internet-freaks put the entire episode to music.  My personal favorite is the second vid, where Yatsie’s adventure takes place to the background of Celine Dion, “Our Love Will Go On”, from “Titanic”.

But now, enough of this fun and games, now that I have laid all the groundwork, it is time for me to get to the LEDE:

Balls of Steel

The lede is buried here, in this piece from PolitNavigator  of which I translate the first two paragraphs:


Minister of Internal Affairs Arsen Avakov told the story, how People’s Deputy Maria Matios sewed back a button onto the jacket of Prime Minister Arseny Yatsenyuk; the button had been ripped off by People’s Deputy Oleg Barna from the “Petr Poroshenko Party”.

Avakov wrote about this on his Facebook page.

“Does Yatsenyuk have balls of steel?” [Avakov wrote].  “That idiot Barna decided to verify the fact.  But the issue here is not about balls, or about Yatsenyuk.  The issue here is about the disclosed secret:  His balls ARE made of iron.  Since his time in Chechnya.  P.S. Maria Matios has a good heart, sewing back on a button that was ripped off by a madman.  That’s how the relationship between our factions ought to be.”


Ooops!  Did Avakov just accidentally let slip, that Yatsenyuk is an international jihadi terrorist?

This entry was posted in Breaking News, Cat Fighting, Humor, The Great Game, True Crime and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to Yatsenyuk and His Balls of Steel, or: Way To Bury A Lede

  1. Lyttenburgh says:

    ” Since his time in Chechnya.”


    Also – pan Lyashko is envious:


  2. marknesop says:

    Ha, ha, ha!!! Whew!! I think I might have ruptured something. Thanks for the shout-out, Yalensis! Jihad Jats – I swear. That is some funny shit.

    I still can’t imagine young Yats taking the summer off, when Jerk School let out for the year, to go fight Russians in Chechnya. When would he have done this? According to his Wiki timeline, he was at Chernivtsi University (I was just kidding about Jerk School, he’s obviously a natural) from 1992 to 1996, neatly bracketing the First Chechen War. Over the entire period of the Second Chechen War, he was allegedly working at the Aval Bank in Kiev.


    He could have joined the irregulars making a nuisance of themselves during a less formal period of hostilities, but it’s just hard to imagine because he is such a weedy-looking individual – even when he is out of his perennial suit and tie and dressed up like a tough guy, he fits with the military like a sock in a knife drawer.

    It’s certainly possible, and I would not like to think somebody in the Russian legal network accused him without any evidence at all, so you would think they must have something. If so, Avakov just blew his cover. But he just does not look like the type at all, and it’s also possible Avakov was only being sarcastic when he mentioned it; you know, like “When Yatsenyuk was in Chechnya, ha, ha, as if”.

    If he’s an international terrorist, let’s hope he was better at it than the failure he must have been as a banker – he can barely add – and the sucking butt wound he is as a Prime Minister.


    • Jen says:

      Mark, Ratso did go to Cherk School in the mid-1990s. You spelled the name wrong. How long would Cherk School’s annual summer breaks be? If Chernivtsi University at the time was like most universities around the world, the annual summer break would be about two months long, enough time for Ratso to duck down to Chechnya for a couple of weeks of rebel rock’n’roll and back. If Ratso ran a law firm as well during his time at Cherk Uni, he could have paid himself enough to spend as much time as he liked meeting and advising his, er, “clients”.

      Allah knows what kind of work Ratso did at Aval Bank or who his clients were but if he worked there long enough, he could have accumulated enough holidays, sick leave and special leave (for taking care of sick parents or whatever) there to duck down to Chechnya etc etc at least once the whole time he worked for Aval Bank, Raiffeisen Aval Bank or whatever it is now. He need not have participated in actual combat, his role might have been to arrange contacts and funding, and it could be that the experience and knowledge he gained working with whoever were what attracted Vickie Cookie Monster to mentor him and manoeuvre him into where he is now as Prime Minister.

      Of course this is all speculation and I invite anyone reading to challenge what I’ve said.


  3. Pavlo Svolochenko says:

    Every Jihadi squad has one member whose job could be delicately described as ‘bitch’.

    Case in point:

    Eyes as wide as his arse.


  4. yalensis says:

    Well, here is my earlier posting from September 9. I got most of my material from the LifeNews piece, which cites the testimony of 2 Ukrainian POW’s, names Klykh and Karpiuk.

    Bastrykin: “According to information we possess, Arseny Yatsenuk, among other active members of UNA-UNSO, in December of 1995 was awarded the highest medal by Dzhokhar Dudaev, ‘Honor of the Nation’, for his killing of Russian soldiers. Yatsenuk’s cohorts, under interrogation, characterize him as an educated man, highly intelligent, yet also cunning and slippery.”

    Bastrykin claims that Yats, after doing whatever he did in Chechnya, slipped back into Ukraine at the start of 1995, by masking himself among a group of journalists.

    There is also a photo (a real photo, not a “photo-zhaba”) purportedly of Yats among a cadre of UNA-UNSO.

    I think it’s actually true, and I wouldn’t be fooled by the “Rabbit’s” nerdy appearance.
    You can’t judge a book by its cover:
    After all, Sashko Bily, who allegedly recruited Yats to fight in Chechnya, was outwardly macho, but in private was a sexual masochist.
    I think Avakov just let it slip, because he had to defend his friend, who was being mocked.
    And to remind people that his pal Yats is actually a macho man.
    At least, that’s my interpretation.


  5. PaulR says:

    It seems improbable, but the Avakov statement is certainly interesting.


    • yalensis says:

      If I were Bastrykin, I would want Avakov’s statement added to the record of the case. It’s a pretty thin detail, for sure, but still one extra molecule in support of the prosecution claim against Yatsenuk.

      I think the bulk of the Russian case against Yatsenuk, if it proceeds, will depend on the testimony of those 2 Ukrainian POW’s who say that Yats was there in Chechnya, along with Muzychko, as part of the UNA-UNSO brigade fighting for Ichkeria.


  6. marknesop says:

    I want to be clear that I am not mocking all your excellent research or even your conclusions – I am just laughing at the idea of Arseniy Yatsenyuk, the Stone-Cold Killah. He just looks like an hysterical screamer rather than a methodical murderer. But all the really good psychopaths fool you – that’s why the neighbours always say, “He was a quiet guy who kept to himself”. Honestly, when are they going to learn to start profiling quiet guys who keep to themselves?

    Jats looks like he might even have been a mean kid. But he had no formal military training at all, and looks like a soft-arse who only slept in the woods during summer camp when he was 12. Professional soldiers are not going to just wander around noisily in the shrubbery waiting to be captured by soft-arses whose eyes are too close together. The only thing wrong with the whole theory is Jats himself.

    But if he really did those things, he should swing, and I certainly wouldn’t be sorry to see it. Because he is one of the world’s prize dicks.


    • yalensis says:

      Oh, no worries, Mark, I didn’t think you were mocking ME.
      (And honestly, it wasn’t that much research, I just happened to be reading this piece and I see this jump out at me, but I am proud that I NOTICED it jump out at me, other people maybe skimmed through Avakov’s B.S. and didn’t think twice.)

      Anyhow, you naughty boy, you DO like to mock honorable politicians like our beloved Veruca, who has the Victoria (“Yats is our guy”) Nuland Seal of Approval.
      And you should be ashamed of yourself for that.

      But you’re right – it’s always the quiet ones you have to beware of. The quiet serial killer who lives next door and never bothered anyone.
      We also established, in the past, that Yats is a very good husband and caring father, a good family man – just like Himmler!
      And probably Yats didn’t sleep in the woods, he probably slept in a nice bed in the clean cottage of some nice Ichkerian family. Plus he might have been there just a couple of weeks – на командировке, as the Russians say. Not much worse than summer camp.


  7. Lyttenburgh says:

    Anataliy Shariy have predicted the, ah, “manhadling” of Yats more than a week ago! Sorta…


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